A parody for you

Here is another comedy bit

No Cow Left Behind

by Kenneth Remsen, a school principal in Vermont.

Get in Line for "No Cow Left Behind"

As a principal facing the task of figuring out all the complexities of
the No Child Left Behind legislation and its impact on education, I have
decided that there is a strong belief that testing students is the answer to
bringing about improvements in student performance. Since testing seems
to be a cornerstone to improving performance, I don't understand why this
principle isn't applied to other businesses that are not performing up
to expectations.

I was thinking about the problem of falling milk prices and wondering
why testing cows wouldn't be effective in bringing up prices since testing
students is going to bring up test scores. The federal government
should mandate testing all cows every year starting at age 2. Now, I know that
it will take time out of the farmers' necessary work to do this testing
every year and that it may be necessary to spend inordinate amounts of money
on the testing equipment, but that should not distract us from what must
be done. I'm sure there are plenty of statistics to show what good milk
producing performance looks like and the characteristics of cows that
achieve this level of performance. It should, therefore, be easy to
figure out the characteristics necessary to meet this standard.

We will begin our testing by finding out which cows now meet the
standard, which almost meet the standard, which meet the standard with honors and which show little evidence of achievement. Points will be assigned in
each category and it will be necessary to achieve a certain average score.
If this score is not achieved, the Department of Agriculture will send in
experts to give advice for improvement. If improvements do not occur
over a couple of years, the state will take over your farm or even force you
to sell.

Now, I'm sure farms have a mix of cows in the barn but it is important
to remember that every cow can meet the standard. There should be no
exceptions and no excuses. I don't want to hear about the cows that just came to
the barn from the farm down the road that didn't provide the proper
nutrition or a proper living environment. All cows need to meet the standard.

Another key factor will be the placement of a highly qualified farmer
in each barn. I know many of you have been farming for many years but it
will be necessary for all farmers to become certified. This will mean some
more paperwork and testing on your knowledge of cows, but in the end this
will lead to the benefit of all. It will also be necessary to allow barn
choice for the cows. If cows are not meeting the standard on certain farms,
they will be allowed to go to the barn of their choice. Transportation might
become an issue but it is critical that cows be allowed to leave their
low-performing barns. This will force low-performing farms to meet the
standard or else they will simply go out of business. Some small farms
will probably go out of business as a result of this new legislation. Simply
put, the cost per cow is too high. As taxpayers, we cannot be expected to
foot the bill to subsidize farms with dairy compacts. Even though no one
really knows what the ideal cost is to keep cows content, the Legislature will
set a cost per cow. Expenditures too far above this cost will be penalized.
Since everyone knows that there are economies of scale, small farms
will probably be forced to close and those cows will merge into larger
farms.

Some farmers may be upset that I proclaim to know what is best for
these cows but I certainly consider myself capable of making these
recommendations. I grew up next to a farm and I drink milk. I hope you
will consider this advice in the spirit it is given and I hope you will
agree that the "No Cow Left Behind" legislation may not be best for a small
state like Vermont.

Safe Harbor, A Murder in Nantucket

Today I read "Safe Harbor" by Brian McDonald, published in 2006.

It was the story of Thomas Toolan III's murder of Elizabeth ("Beth") Lochtefeld in October of 2004. I was a little annoyed by the book's sloppy editing-- a few typos and repetition of information. I was also a little disappointed that the author's writing ended after Toolan was arrested. He offers no information on how Toolan was punished. Nevertheless, the book gave a detailed account of the incident, as well as a double biography-- of the killer and victim. Both people were New Yorkers.

The killer (Tom) had been an alcoholic since high school. His usual haunts were Dublin House (a New York City bar) and the New York Athletic Club (a fancy shmancy gym for investment bankers). Before his relationship with Beth, he had had a few other relationships with women in which he was a jealous, abusive liar. He wore nothing but high-class clothing, albeit worn out, trying to give the impression of wealth. However, it appears that he was unemployed for about two years before the murder. He had worked in the past at an investment bank for a very few years.

The victim (Beth) had moved to Nantucket six months before her death. She had had a mid-life crisis of sorts, having retired on the proceeds she collected from having sold her wildly successful business; the sale prompted by her burnout from workaholism for fifteen years. She had been an expediter-- a party that facilitates the paperwork required to do construction in New York. She had been studying aikido (a martial art) and was, at 44 years old, still looking for a lifelong mate. It was unclear why she couldn't find a permanent significant other-- she was pretty, fit, brainy, well-traveled, very social, oh, and have I mentioned, rich? (Parenthetical note: the author avoids all mention of sex-- that could have been one reason for Beth's loneliness).

An acquaintance of Beth's had innocently set up Tom and Beth, even though she was aware of Tom's sordid past. Beth was so desperate for a man, she rationalized away his lies and abusive behavior for a few weeks. Finally, Beth told him she was breaking it off with him. He wouldn't accept that.

In the end, Tom flew to Nantucket, bought a fishing knife, and walked straight into Beth's rented cottage and killed her. Sadly, her aikido skills at the time were insufficient to fend him off and save herself.

Sad story, that.